H ave you ever noticed that at the beginning of any relationship, you seem to love it so much that you cannot get enough of it, However, it's not the same after a while. Some people lose the attachment simply because they do not love you anymore, but because it's not necessary to spend so much time. This may bother some, or it may lead to setting boundaries. India’s society believes in collectivism, we do not have clear boundaries within ourselves and the group, culture, or anything, but is it okay to do that?
Studies have shown that communities or individuals brought up this way are more dependent on their parents, these kids seem to struggle to make their own decisions, Indian parents also make a mistake in being protective towards the child they settle a sense of fear or uncomfortableness instead of support and this also leads to low self esteem of the child. However it has been seen that many millennial parents in India have now been breaking these practices down. It's almost similar in a romantic relationship as well. Lack of boundaries and emotional exploitation can lead to the other or sometimes both feeling distant, estranged, unloved and satisfied in a relationship. Most of the people tend to “live with it” instead of talking and sorting it out because of their own upbringing. So how exactly do we help this situation then?
Difference Between Healthy & Unhealthy Relationships
The first and foremost thing in a healthy relationship is being able to communicate. It's not true that any one of the partners is bad at communicating; it simply shows that he or she is not comfortable with you. For effective communication, it is necessary that you build a safe space that is encouraging, non-judgmental, or triggering in any way to each other.
Even in a relationship, the other must always be considerate of his or her partner's mental health, what bothers them, and what is bad for them. A healthy relationship is one that “involves honesty, trust, respect, and open communication between partners, and it takes effort and compromise from both people.
There is no imbalance of power. Partners respect each other’s independence, can make their own decisions without fear of retribution or retaliation, and share decisions.”
A few characteristics of a healthy relationship are:
- Give enough space and privacy. If your partner is showing signs of wanting space then it's best to respect it. Sometimes people aren’t particularly excited about the idea of space. It's always best to talk such things out before making a move.
- Encourage your partner to involve themselves in activities they enjoy does not make them feel guilty by indirectly saying they were happy spending time without you.
- Respect your partner's wishes and needs, do not try controlling them in any way. Consent. Have your partner's consent in whatever you do, consent does not only come up in case of intimacy but in other things too.
- Honesty is the most basic one, Do not lie to your partner about anything for any reason.
Any relationship that has the opposite of these characteristics, where you tend to feel empty, drained, exhausted, or like a burden, is an unhealthy relationship, and it's best that you talk your feelings out to your partner before making any changes.
How Can Our Upbringing Affect Our Relationships?
Coming back to my point about India being a collectivistic society, this affects the way we perceive relationships as well. A person’s decisions are based more communally than on personal desire, leading to dissatisfaction. Moreover, we see one partner in a relationship who plays the part of being dominant while the other takes the lead. Now, it is not wrong to assume our natural gender roles, but the dominance over the relationship shouldn't be such that it makes the other partner bury their desires completely. Very often, the partner is so attached that they start sharing a traumatising bond with the other unknowingly. A trauma bond is when the other partner, though feeling mentally or physically abused, still stays with the other due to attachment. You can read more about trauma bond at
https://www.saferplaces.co.uk/blog/traumabond)
Boundaries: Why Do We Need Them?
Having boundaries in a relationship is where you draw a line between you and your partner deciding what is okay and what is not. It could be also said as “ground rules” between you and your partner. Before setting respectable boundaries with you and your partner you must be aware of the difference between giving each other too much space because that can lead to more conflicts and you must understand what exactly you want, and what is affecting or impacting this relationship. There are 5 types of boundaries, physical, sexual, material or financial, emotionally and time . Now these boundaries are common for all sorts of relationships, if ever your relationship with your parent or friend seems to be too overwhelming its best to politely set some boundaries with them.
- Physical boundaries create a safe space for you so that you can avoid uncomfortable conversations, gestures etc. Suppose you do not like being touched by people you just met you can always put it out there. After all, stating your needs only makes you a confident person!
- Sexual boundaries are about consent, intimacy is something both partners need to feel good about and have fun but if there is something that makes you uncomfortable or causes you pain you must state it out. There's no shame in telling what you want while being close to your partner after all each one of us have different bodies with different needs. A study by (https://www.durexindia.com/blogs/pain-during-sex/) shows that “out of 520 Indian women, 56% experienced painful sexual intercourse. Sex should never be painful, no matter what time of the month it is.”
- Material or financial boundaries may not apply to all sorts of couples but it may to some and it's always okay to talk about that as well
- Emotional boundaries are those where you create your own comfortable space, just because your partner does not want to discuss something doesn't mean they don't want you to be around. They want you to tell them it's okay and give them some pyari like Deepika Padkone said to make them feel okay! This mainly applies to parents as well nagging your child won't bring anything out sometimes you need to show support.
- Time boundaries are when you expect your partner or friend or parent to not disturb you for a certain amount of time because what your doing is important; it could be work, self care or anything!
In the end, what you must understand is that no matter what the issue is, talking it out with the person can always help; either you will know that the relationship can be better or you will understand how to help yourself! There's nothing selfish or wrong with wanting comfort in exchange for more guidance. You can always reach out to a therapist at Heart It Out today!
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